Extra clumsy

I am extra clumsy when I text you (maybe because of the impetuous and impatient being inside me in its resolute urgency of the now).   At same time, I think you are over sensitive or extra "cautiousness" with me. =(  Therefore, the equilibrium in our interaction is too thin. I don't want to wear out good memories. Then I will let you decide how and when. I keep all my words and you can know that I would walk an extra mile for you (you said that you don't know me ... so you don't know or don't have what to ask  - well, maybe you should try, check and overcome a little bit your risk aversion _ it would be nice way to know me). As a friend, I always will be here for you but I think I should give up to start a conversation... I am fine... that is just another try to find something that would be good for both of us (and I believe that we have something that is mutual beneficial  and want to keep that way ;) ). Since you are adroit to talk (when you wanna talk)  you should start the conversation when you want even if that happens only once a year. =)

I am not saying that I don't to talk ... kind of opposite. +
yes, my friend, I want to know how is your life and I have lot of things to say about my life. Lot of things have changed. About your life... How is your work? Fabio is treating you well? Does your interaction with him have improved? Did Kartikay  (modafoca) provide you any excuse to your grade? Anything special working in your personal life? Angry question: Did you have the fucking party with fucking alcohol to improve your fucking mood ? lol


I feel that you put effort to communicate with me and that was good for you (me 2!). For your life, not only for me, it would be great if you be more open. People would be more aware of your feelings, how to interact with you, etc. It would avoid frustration from your side.

Anyway,  let us change. I  will keep silent and you decide..  take your (life) time to talk with me. =). For now, I just kindly ask you to give me an ack.

Summer sadness

she came from hell to heaven.
she is  living again and, believe me, it is sometimes hard.
smiling is sometimes one of the hardest things to do
and she is smiling.. shinely
Did you see the her beautiful photo?
like always is.
lightly dressed. charmly walking.

yesterday I was singing  closing time...

"Time for you to go out.. go out into the world.
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

...but you know who I want to take me home.

or summertime sadness..

"Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That baby, you the best"

And today I am singing black...

"I know you will have a beautiful life.
I know you will be a star ...
in somebody else sky.
but why??? why can't it be
can't it be mine?"

And I went from heaven to hell...

Thinking about an old song...

I know, I am wrong. It should be easy but I am not. Although, I tried. Your fault.
You just blow out of mind.  go way... I don't want to see you again  because I need shut up my mouth and my mind.
I want to put all my words inside a bag and explode it. This words are fulling my heart and cannot find space to breath.
I am not free. "there is a hole in my soul" 

I know there's been all kinds of shoes
Underneath your bed
Now I sleep with my boots on
But you're still in my head
And something tells me this time
I'm down to my last licks

Cause if it's over
Then it's over
And it's driving me insane

Comrade Oleksander and Sergei

I was with Oleksander when we met Katrin during the onboarding. Looking in retrospect, my onboarding friends could be clustered in 3 main language groups although the friendship circles were not defined by that criteria. Mauricio, a Brazilian guy orbited close to the gravity center of many groups. Speaking his language or not was absolutely unimportant for him. In the same line but opposite direction, Mikhail, Oleksander and Tetiana almost didn't talk with each other. Maybe the common denominator among those guys would be two prime factors: me and the language.
Somehow, I and Oleksander were together in a bunch of occasions. I believe the chance was the main factor that grouped me with a conceited young smart guy, 2x years old physics phD and not my affinity with Russian speakers. Anyway, we would talk with data scientist teams on which Katrin worked. The charming smiles of Katrin called our attention. After talking with Katrin first time, he looked at me laughing. I was laughing back, thinking about: "Come on, Oleksander. I didn't say anything. Why are you laughing on my face? I was so placid during the whole conversation". In conclusion, Katrin agreed to met us on Neu Bahnhof building. Oleksander scheduled the meeting and called me next day.

Katrin saw me and hugged me and then she hesitated but hugged Oleksander saying: "I know how to greet Brazilians but I didn't know how to greet you". _ I just follow the Brazilian. _ replied him. In short moment we were divided. I would talk with Tomorrow team and he with Midas. Since that moment, we talk less and less. But the balance of Russians which I interact everyday would not change that fast. Because that was the occasion where I met Sergei.

Sergey was doing whatever Sergey does on his normal working day, with two monitors with tons of opened windows including one for movie and other for IDE and some for browsing. He was using a headset and Katrin asked him to talk with me. He ignored. He understood the message but gravely ignored Katrin. She poked him again and shot him with her eyes... I was almost reading her thought "Now!". Sergei was taken abruptly and awe, but in few moments I was talking with him, Johannes and Katia.

He is one of the grumpiest friends that I have. He is from time to time pessimistic and I... I live in my optimistic dream that bursts from time to time. My first impression was not that wrong although I would add loyal and reliable for his main adjectives later on. There are tons of good phrases that came from his sarcastic mind. Let me put here on of them. We are discussing about my code:
_ I found something here that breaks your code.
_ I have checked before. They are not using things that way.
_ The code will break...
_ It would not ...
_ ... it will and because you didn't find yet the place it  breaks it will break  in the worst moment. Friday... Afternoon... On the day that you would finally meet again the Russian girl.
_ Ok. You convinced me.

Do not long for me

Here, I am naked again. Am I so intense? Well, you know me.
I keep my words about everything that I said even though maybe it only created unnecessary stress.

I am bouncing in being super cool and not cool at all. I know that we gonna meet again. I know... you consider me more than "just an ordinary friend" and  I understand that for you something is still missing. Something that needs time... something that could never come.

But I feel that thing would not come out of the blue.

I am still learning...
Not long time ago, I tried to say hello... hello, hello. but you always said goodbye.
And you are pretty sure that we will naturally see each other again. The impetuous and impatient being inside me in the resolute urgency of the now wants to carve that nature so then we can see each other again and again and you would think that was absolutely by the changes.

I remind myself about this book that explains how to handle that kind of situation... well, at least if there was not that distance. You can read that in the book...

<--
"I cannot play with you,  I am not tamed."
"To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
(...)
You must be very patient, First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

 But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . .
-->
I refuse to believe that you are still an ordinary fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.  We came from a long path where we collect experiences that made ourselves different from usual ones. And we crossed by each other, shared some coffees, some smiles, some good words. I believe there would have a common and mutual beneficial relation... and I know that is not the distance that separate us...

And I am thinking about the urgency of the now.
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
...
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but you didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me



Taming you is what I would want... but at meanwhile, I expect that you fly . Is that what "supergirls" do, right? you know that does not matter how far we are,  I probably will be silently watching you. I would like to be more present even by text but sounds easier than what in fact is being because there is a thin balance in our interaction.

Now, I am taking the risks. Losing my defenses. They say that we should not revel our intentions or being so nice*. Why am I being so reckless? I prefer to be sorry for the things that I did than for the things that I didn't. Besides... I believe in your intentions. You only can see things that reflect  what you are. And you saw my intentions.

I shall rely on you ... take your time. you need it. You said that I should not long for you... Fat chance. I would long for you partying, running, quieting. Should I not? oh, sorry I cannot easily being someone else. I am still the same one that you know.


* - You know life is cruel. Life is never kind.Kind hearts don't make a new story...